Getting Mad at God for Taking Away My "Safe"

These past few months have turned my life upside down. That’s putting it nicely actually. Quite frankly, these past few months have taken the most comfortable things in my life, turned them on their head, and shook them to the core. It’s brought me face to face, sometimes closer than I would like, with this issue of “safe”.  

As I look at all the things in my life that are changing, mainly, it’s relationships. So many of the relationships that mean the most to me are altering, some drastically. My best friend is moving halfway around the world. My youth pastor will not be leading my youth group after the end of this month. His wife, my bible study leader, will be leaving also. About a year ago, I lost two other dear mentors in my life due to them moving away. And all of this has left my head spinning. I feel like just when I find my footing after losing one relationship, I find out that another one will be changing. And I don’t like it. Not one bit.

 If you would ask me if I liked change, I would tell you “yes”. I’m the one who will try anything once, is always ready for an adventure, and likes living on the edge a little. But I found something out about myself this past year:

I only like change if it’s the change that I want.

Put me in a situation like any of the ones mentioned above, and I hate change. I like the good, stable, wonderful things in my life, and they make me feel safe.

There’s that safe word again. 

See, what I have discovered in this past year, especially these past few months, is that I find safety in the people around me. And not just anyone. I don’t have a hard time making friends, but I do struggle with trusting people on a deep level. There are very few people in my life that I will share my struggles or pain with. And the people I mentioned above are some of the few people that I can talk to about anything.

But now, those relationships are changing, and with every goodbye that I say, I say also say farewell to my “safe”. I wave one last time to things that have made me feel secure and protected. And I have to admit, I got pretty angry sometimes. I got angry at the people who I saw as responsible for taking away those I love. I got angry at myself for not being able to fix it, because I thought that maybe if I had tried or prayed or fought a little harder, maybe if I was a little stronger or smarter, I could have changed the situation. I got angry at God for taking away my “safe”. How could He? Couldn’t He see that these people meant the world to me? Aren’t we called to sharpen other Christians as iron sharpens iron? Then why was He taking away the people who had taught me, been there for me, and walked me through the most? My mind swirled with all these questions, and I became one very confused girl. I didn’t know where to turn to. I didn’t know who to ask for help. I became afraid of getting close to people, because I might lose them. I became afraid of pouring myself into relationships or activities, because to pour yourself out is to open yourself to hurt, and I wasn’t sure my heart could take anymore. I became afraid to even get up in the morning, because I woke up thinking “What is going to go wrong today, and who am I going to lose?”

Yeah...not a fun way to live.

But it was through this heartbreaking process that God began to convict me of my idea of “safe”.  He started to show me how foolish it was to find “safe” in people, because people let you down. Whether it’s on purpose or not, everyone in your life is going to let you down at some point. They might be amazing, incredible people. They might be your heroes. They might bring you closer to Christ. Those are all amazing things, and I get that. I understand that you never want to let those people go. But the moment they become your safety net, you’re guaranteeing a broken heart. The only one who can really give us the protection, value, and “safe” that we long for is Christ. 

But here’s the catch. Making Christ our “safe” is, by definition, not safe. We’re not called to talk about safe issues. We’re called to share a radical, life-changing gospel with those who don’t know Christ. We’re not called to sit inside and wait for life to come to us on our terms. We’re called to get out of our comfort zones and give God free reign to hand us life on His terms. We’re not called to be “safe”. We’re called to be live dangerously, love fully, and pour out all we are for the cause of Christ. We’re told, time and time again, that God will never let us go. I think that serves two purposes. One, to fulfill the longing we have to be valued and feel protected. God is all that to us. Second, it is to remind us that because God is will always be with us, we are free to live in a way that is definitely not safe, but unlocks God’s plan for our lives.

 So maybe, next time God takes away my “safe”, I can remember that nothing in this world can ever take me out of His hands. And when I choose to find my “safe” in Him, it’s then that I can take risks, and love peple with all I have, and get out there and change people’s lives. That’s what we we’re made for, and to be honest, I’d choose that over being safe any day.

"Yeah...what does that mean?"

The above words are a direct quote from my little sister when I told her the title of this blog, which I had been agonizing over for days. So, I thought I might fill you in a little on why I started this blog, and what the title means. I mean, "With Abandon" sounds a little mysterious, so let me unpack it for you. To put it simply, I believe that this is how we are called to live. There are a lot of things in life that are hard, and they're scary, and they keep us locked up in a cage of wasted potential becuase we're too afraid of falling to try to fly. I, for one, refuse to spend the rest of my life wondering about and second guessing my choices. So I'm going to try and live an abandoned life in my...

Faith: First and foremost, I want to live a life that is abandoned to God. If He is not Lord of my life, then living with abandon isn't a good choice...it would lead me down a very dangerous road. You see, God must be allowed free reign in my life to do what He sees fit. The point of my life on earth is not about me. It's about bringing glory to God in all I do. It's about living like Christ. He didn't come to earth to live a safe life. He came to radically redefine people's worlds. He came to bring me hope. He came to suffer and die for me. He came to storm the gates of hell and conquer death, and He won. He came to rise from the dead and give me hope that nothing in this life can take away from me. He came and lived with abandon. And I don't know about you, but I'm chasing after that version of abandonment with all I have, becuase there is no better way to live.

Relationships: Family, friends, love...they're all going to hurt you and let you down at some point. In the past year, I've lost some relationships that were really important to me. I've gained new ones that are equally important. I've seen friendships change that I would have rather seen stay the same. But the reality of life is, we're all human. We have lives that all too often tear us apart instead of bring us together. And you'll get hurt. You'll lose people you love. But the question I've had to ask myself in this past year is "Do I think it's worth it?" Is pouring time and effort into family and friends really worth it if all that ends up happening is we eventually lose those relationships? The answer, if you're living with abandon, is yes. Don't be afraid to love people with all you have. Don't be scared to let people in and to trust someone. Don't miss out on the joy of relationships becuase you're scared of losing them, becuase you'll still end up alone. God has called us to love as He does, and that means with everything in us.

Choices: Usually in life, when you must chose between two things, you can either play it safe or just go for it. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't want to be stuck thinking "What if?" my whole life. What if I had taken that job, went on that missions trip, studied abroad, gotten a degree in someting I was really passionate about, instead of what I knew would give me job security? Becuase that's exactly what we end up with when we play it safe: security. I know you're thinking, "Rachel, that's kind of the point." But I truly believe that is a terrible way to live. Who wants to be secure all the time? Who wants to have everything lined up and planned out for forever? Where's the fun in that? Where do you leave room for God to take you on wild, crazy adventures that you could never have dreamed up if you tried? I don't want to miss that.

Living with abandon isn't easy. It's not always fun or exciting or clear cut. There will be times when you don't know what to do, where to go, and which choice to make. But I firmly believe that if you choose to live this way, you're going to get a front row seat to watch God do incredible things in you and through you. And that, to me, makes it worth it. My hope and prayer is that you would find in my blogs things that stir, encourage, and challenge you to live this kind of life. I am right here with you on this journey as I learn, fail, and try again. Hopefully, this strikes a chord on your heart like it does in mine.

If you have made it through this post, thank you. I haven't tried this whole blogging thing before, and I'm sure I will grow as a writer...at least, I desperately hope so. If you liked this post, stop by often and see what's new, leave a comment, and tell me how you're living with abandon...I'd can't wait to hear it.