Across the Sea

My heart is far away tonight. Somwhere across the sea. Where what seems to be angels voices sing you to sleep and wake you up. Where you can look at the sky at night and actually see the stars. Where you can not speak a word of the same language but still be best friends with an orphan, becuase love breaks all barriers. Yes, my heart is far away tonight, in Haiti.

I'm longing for home.

Next Time, Remember...

Next time you look in the mirror and all you see is what other people tell you you are and what you should be, just remember: What you're worth is not determined by what they think of you. Who you are is not made by what they say. Your value is not found in their opinion of you, whether they approve, disapprove, encourage, discourage, hate, or love you.
They  ≠ You.

But there is Someone who sees who you are on the inside...the things you hide from everyone else...and loves you anyway. There is Someone who is crazy about you, just the way you are. There is Someone who took one look at you, in all your brokenness and fragility, and decided you were to die for. That Someone is who determines your worth. That Someone is who makes you who you are. That Someone is the only One who's opinion matters. So next time you look in the mirror and all you see is a you who has been told time and time again that you're worthless, that you don't measure up, that you're not good enough, remember that there is Someone who loves you.

                     His name is Jesus, and He came to break that mirror.

This One's for My Girls

This one’s for my girls. For every single one of them. For those who love me at my worst, and make me my best. This one’s for K. I wish you knew how beautiful you were, and how much you deserve...don’t lose heart. This one’s for A. I know each day is a fight to just keep living life. I wish I could take your pain, you have no idea how much I wish that. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not worth something, because you’re worth is not found in what they think of you. This one’s for K, who’s been knocked down and ignored by so many leaders who were supposed to be there for her. You are so strong...never stop fighting. This one’s for A, whose heartbreak I understand so well, because ours were broken the same way. I hope I make your life half as bright as you make mine. This one’s for J. You are so beautiful, and loved much.  Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. This one’s for A. You are crazy beautiful and talented, and someday this pain that we’ve been through might all make sense. This one’s for E. I know you feel alone, knocked down, and judged. Keep love in your heart, I promise things will get better. This one’s for M. You’re one of the strongest girls I know, and you are gorgeous inside and out. Don’t you let the world change who you are, ‘cause who you are is beautiful. This one’s for H. Your love for God and life is a beautiful thing to see. Don’t let that boy get you down, you deserve so much better. You’re never alone. This one’s for M. We’ve been through it all girl. I love your heart and your laugh and your style. Keep on going. This one’s for A. Someday, a man is going to come in and sweep you off your feet. Wait for the right one, I know he’s coming. I’m so proud of who you’re becoming. This one’s for R. You are breathtaking in more ways than one. Watching you live life and getting to share it with you, for the short time we were together, will always be counted among my greatest blessings. I just wanted you to know that. This one’s for E. Keep fighting, keep striving, keep pushing on toward Christ. You are loved very, very much. This one’s for B. I know growing up is hard. Don’t cave to the pressures the world puts on you. You are so much better than that...stay strong. THis one's for S. You have no idea how much I wish I could've been there for you more, how much I should have been there. Forgive me. You're cut out for greatness, go get it. And never forget the One that loves you most.

This one’s for me too, I guess. Because we are each other. We share hurt, pain, laughter, tears, joys, triumphs, failures, love, sorrow, jokes, songs...we share life. Yep, this one’s for my girls: Don’t ever stop chasing Jesus and letting Him be everything you need. You are beautiful. You are crazy. You make my life full of sunshine. You mean the world to me. You are loved.




These are some of my girls...yes, you can be jealous.

 

This is Goodbye

I’m sorry things didn’t end up different. I’m sorry that somehow things changed, though I swear I couldn’t tell you when or why. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out between us, because we would have been amazing together. But I have to move on. I have a life and dreams that would look great if you were in them, but I’m not going to wait anymore, because quite frankly, they look just as good without you. I don’t have the time or the heart to let this go on. I can’t say I’ll miss the stress. I can’t say that I’ll miss the sleepless nights, and I definitely won’t miss feeling like I have to perform for you. But I am sorry that this is the end of something that held the promise of being so good. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.

So this is me moving on.

This is goodbye.

This is me getting over you.

How Dare You

To all the people who think they know what’s best for me. Who think they know what goes on in my head. Who think they have even the faintest clue what makes my heart heavy or happy. To those who think they know what I’m passionate about. Who think they know what keeps me going when I’ve been beaten and feel like staying down. To those who think they know why I fight, why  I love, and why I trust.  To all those who have the audacity to tell me what is best for my feelings, my life...my heart:

How dare you pretend to know who I am.

Yes, it looks foolish. And no, I don't care.

Yes,

I realize it looks foolish to sit at a table by yourself while you’re eating, and smile from ear to ear for no reason at all.

yes,

I realize it looks foolish to go running in the rain and randomly start doing cartwheels.

yes,

I realize it looks foolish to rock out to music in the car and sing at the top of my lungs.

yes,

 I realize it looks foolsih to be at a coffe shop by yourself, reading a blog, and almost fall out of your seat because you're laughing so hard.

yes,

 I realize it looks foolish to dance around the kitchen while I’m making dinner.

BUT...

quite frankly, I don’t care. Becuase people do foolsih things when they're happy. And sometimes, just being alive makes me happy.

So excuse me for cutting this short, but it's raining outside, and nobody's dancing in it...yet.

Wishes...

Of all the things I wish you knew. Of all the things that run laps back and forth in my head every. single. day. Of all the things I wish I could just walk up to you and say, this is what I want to tell you the most.

Maybe one day when I'm brave and you're listening, I will. When I'm strong and you're ready, we'll go there. When I figure out how to articulate myself, and you figure out how to commit, something might happen.

One can always wish...

"You Will Find Rest"

She stared down the little blue book from across the couch. 

The Bible. Her Bible. She knew it held the words she so desperately, desperately needed to hear. So full of hope and commands and heartbreak and victory and freedom and pain. But perhaps it was the pain that scared her. Becuase these words that so healed her soul also cut her like a knife sometimes. 

So she stared.

 She wasn’t sure if she was ready to go one more round with her emotions. She’d been through a lot lately, trying her best to drown her feelings in tears. It didn't work though, because they kept coming back to life and making a home in her heart.

So she stared. 

Finally though, faith trumped fear, desperation overcame dread, and she reached for the book. But instead of opening it, she brought it close to her face. She breathed deep the scent of ink and paper and countless early mornings. But those weren’t the scents she was looking for. She was wishing to catch a whiff of Mexican dirt, from that mission’s trip that changed her life, where everything in the world was bright and fresh and new and still okay. She longed for the aroma of spaghetti for breakfast, sweaty kiddos, and more hugs and kisses than a human deserved...that would be the smell of Haiti. She was trying her best to breathe in crunchy leaves, and snow, and capture the flag in the dark while army crawling through mud, all from the fall retreat where she still had those who mattered most to her. She breathed deep, as if with catching a hint of these smells, she could will her life back to how it was. As if she could take control and rewind back to when she was happiest. But she couldn't, and that fact was almost enough to start the tears all over again. Yet, even though all the Bible held now was precious memories that tore her heart out, it also held the words she knew would mend it.

So she read.

She remembered.

Even though the memories were like a bullet ripping through her heart, she remembered. Because when she did that, she saw her Jesus. She saw Him in the Mexican sunrise and the Haitian heat. She saw him in the laughter of the “her” children. She saw Him painted over her sorrows like graffiti on a wall. Even when her world seemed to be turning itself inside out, she still had Him. And He wouldn’t let her forget where they’d been together...and where they had yet to go.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30